Today is a weird day for me. It is the quiet before an impending storm. I have felt this many times, but I usually swallowed it down along with the first sweet/salty snack I could grab. Today, the chips taste bitter in my mouth. So, here I sit on the couch, writing. It is the only constructive thing I feel like doing at the moment. I know that should be studying this German Rosetta Stone I checked out from the post library. I wish I felt like opening it. I suppose that might be a bit too productive on this melancholy day.
It didn’t help that dh is not happy with me right now. I’ve listened to Dr. Laura, so I know the advice that she’d give in these circumstances. I can imagine getting a lecture about how selfishly I’m behaving, that I should do all I can to make dh happy, because I am so blessed to be at home, right now. Add the fact that he’s in the military, and the guilt is compounded. I will tell you that it is not just the military member serving-the entire family is “in the military.” We are all affected, even if the member is not deployed. Sometimes, deployment is easier-the time away is precious. I cannot imagine the year+ deployments, though. What rational person can believe that the family does not undergo devastating side-effects? I guess it wouldn’t be too patriotic to point out what often does happen during these rotations…
Today, dh is here, but I wish he’d just deploy, right now-so does he… Great, a consensus! It doesn’t matter, it just won’t happen anytime soon. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel differently. Maybe I’ll relish the blessings of being together and healthy and safe…Not today.
Today, I cannot find my cell phone, though, I am not worried. No one calls me on it, except for dh, and he won’t be calling me today. Yesterday, I was insensitive to his feelings, and I refused to sacrifice one more piece of me. I gave away my best to the children, because they are small, innocent, and mine.
Today, it is so quiet, and I am breaking someone’s rule, possibly my own…Revealing too much, but I am through expanding with bitterness. It’s better to let a little “hot air” out, than to burst under the pressure. I wish I had my phone to call one of the counselors that volunteer on base to listen when family members get stressed-out. I don’t feel too stressed, but I see it the ripple it’s making, as it swims through the deepest parts of me. So, I talk to myself and to you-whoever you are, that may pause a while to see what’s new.
Today, I can hear my chimes singing through the porch window. I am reminded by the symbol hanging down it like the shadow of a teardrop: “Renewal.” I am being renewed through heartache and loneliness. This time, it doesn’t hurt as bad as it once did. I am stronger and calmer than the doe-eyed child that stood at that chapel altar. I am entering my prime, and along with it, the best years of my life.
Today isn’t so bad, after all…
