The holidays have come quickly, and my husband is now gone. Though our life was far from perfection, it is the one we made and now the one that we have lost. Deep down, I knew that we were staying for reasons that didn’t have a whole lot to do with love for each other. We are still being hurt by his sadistic side, and the pain continues throughout his financial neglect…
And if he were here, I would tell him: ”You left me first. You didn’t stand up for me when I was being mistreated by anyone-even your own co-workers. You considered abusive, cheating men to be “good guys,” so much, that you became just like them. And who would protect us from you? We had our own home and plenty of savings. I no longer have those, or a car-you took them with you.”
“You wanted to punish us for leaving. You wanted to tighten your stranglehold-our dependence, on you. I made you into my God, when I wasn’t strong enough to follow Him. I made you into my “everything,” though you disappointed me over and over through your lies and betrayal. However, a line has been crossed that made it necessary for me to walk away from the “things” I thought that I had.”
I look down at our two young children, innocently sleeping at the foot of my large bed. They are curled up like puppies. They know that they’re supposed to be in their own bedrooms, lying in their own twin beds. Their stealth mission to infiltrate my domain led them only so far. Perhaps I wouldn’t notice the two considerable lumps just below my feet. Perhaps mommy won’t see us hiding under the layers of blankets…
I pause at “Mommy.” These are my children, and yet it still amazes me. They came out of my body, and each day they claim more of their independence. I grow proud and sad at the same time. Their lives began with relative comfort, and now they have to venture into the unknown with me. And when I am overwhelmed by unemployment and homelessness, giving up is not a choice I can make.
“I cannot let them down. They trust me to rescue them from you.”
