A friend sent me this “chain” e-mail today.  I’m not including the bit about forwarding to so many people during the end, but it’s worth repeating and sharing.  It blessed me.  Hopefully, it will bless others:

DEAR GOD: I want to thank You for what you have already done. I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me; I am thanking you right now… I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears ; I am thanking you right now.. I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed; I am thanking you right now. I am thanking you because I am alive. I am thanking you because I made it through the day’s difficulties. I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles. I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better. I’m thanking you because FATHER, YOU haven’t given up on me…

Blind confidence is wrapped in a flag and toting a bible.

The hypocrite praises God and forgets His vulnerable elect.

The silence of God is not consent.

Blessings float up to Heaven, yet curses continue to rain down upon the land.

One cannot give away what is missing from the soul.

It is impossible to manufacture truth with a corrupt mouth.

Compassion is not a bought commodity, nor is it plentiful under the sun-especially to the comfortably arrogant, self-righteous sons of gods.

The holidays have come quickly, and my husband is now gone. Though our life was far from perfection, it is the one we made and now the one that we have lost. Deep down, I knew that we were staying for reasons that didn’t have a whole lot to do with love for each other. We are still being hurt by his sadistic side, and the pain continues throughout his financial neglect…

And if he were here, I would tell him:  ”You left me first. You didn’t stand up for me when I was being mistreated by anyone-even your own co-workers. You considered abusive, cheating men to be “good guys,” so much, that you became just like them. And who would protect us from you? We had our own home and plenty of savings. I no longer have those, or a car-you took them with you.”

“You wanted to punish us for leaving. You wanted to tighten your stranglehold-our dependence, on you. I made you into my God, when I wasn’t strong enough to follow Him. I made you into my “everything,” though you disappointed me over and over through your lies and betrayal. However, a line has been crossed that made it necessary for me to walk away from the “things” I thought that I had.”

I look down at our two young children, innocently sleeping at the foot of my large bed. They are curled up like puppies. They know that they’re supposed to be in their own bedrooms, lying in their own twin beds. Their stealth mission to infiltrate my domain led them only so far. Perhaps I wouldn’t notice the two considerable lumps just below my feet. Perhaps mommy won’t see us hiding under the layers of blankets…

I pause at “Mommy.” These are my children, and yet it still amazes me. They came out of my body, and each day they claim more of their independence. I grow proud and sad at the same time. Their lives began with relative comfort, and now they have to venture into the unknown with me. And when I am overwhelmed by unemployment and homelessness, giving up is not a choice I can make.

“I cannot let them down.  They trust me to rescue them from you.”

I went to another counseling session on Friday, and dh “freaked” upon my return.  An altercation ensued, and the kids and I are baracaded in our apartment, without HIM.  He’s got a “no contact” order, that he has continually violated since then.  In two days, I have received around 5 emails, 7 phone calls-and still counting!   I wish I were kidding…Maybe not, because now it’s quite obvious that he definitely needs lots of help, and our safety is at stake.  Regardless of all this mess, I was surprised by how calm I feel, and how absolutely optimistic about life, I am.  WOW, I’m actually excited about the future!  We’re going to return to the states, soon.  I don’t know when, yet, but we’ll be on our way in no time…

I had kept silent for quite a while, but I’m not sad about it.  For years, I’ve tried to portray having a strong, healthy family-life to my relatives.  As a product of divorce, the last thing I wanted to do was to perpetuate the cycle.  I wanted to pretend that I ”beat the odds,” and ultimately was more blessed by God.  Kinda’ arrogant, I know…but also just human.  Yes, I was blessed with two wonderful children, and a renewed purpose for living.

I will stand strong for my childeren, and tell others my story.  There is a wonderful place apart from abuse, whether physical or nonphysical.  I have learned so many subtle ways that a husband can use to manipulate, control and ultimately crush his wife.  I have felt so much pain and mental anguish, that I am confident it’s not a place to live.  I am so relieved that a new chapter of my life is just beginning.  As I start to read these “life pages” it looks wonderful.   No more wishing for this world to end.  Life is not so bad, afterall.     

*Note: There’s a list (on pages 209-210) from a wonderful book the social worker let me borrow, entitled “No Visible Wounds: Identifying nonphysical abuse of women by their men” by mary Susan Miller, PhD.  It really helped me gague the extent of husband’s nonphysical abuse.  It confirmed to me and the kids that the diagnosis was absolutely correct.

I just realized that “today” was the same title I used for a poem in the archives.  That fact occurred to me yesterday, after I had already posted.  Strangely, I felt no inclination to re-wtite the title.  Today, is today…And I am not worried about it.  Just wanted to mention it, for posterity sake, I guess. 

I spoke to a counselor today.  It’s through a special program, where I can go for free, and it’s anonymous.  You can find the flyers for counseling at ACS.  There’s a lot of people who need to take advantage of this program.  Obviously, I can’t worry about that.  I just made sure that I got the help that I needed.  It’s good to deflate and talk about things that are buried inside.  That’s less of a drag on my husband, who often bears the brunt of my frustrations. 

I can still hardly wait until the children return from school.  However, I am starting to savor my space of silence.  I do try to appreciate having that.  I have been using the time to write after my daily workout.  Though the appointment altered my routine, it was well worth it.  We talked for over two hours, and it was wonderful.  It centered around balancing my marriage and family.  When I get stressed, talking really does help.  With a professional, you don’t have a lot of friendship drama to deal with.  Noone can “hang junk over your head,” or not respect you in the morning.

I learned more about myself than I had expected.  The counselor never offered advice, just asked questions to get my mind moving over my situation, so I can confront what’s really bothering me.  I wish I could go into more detail, but the issues are still swirling about, in the middle of the mess that makes up the melancholy.  

Next appointment, Friday…We’ll see what has changed, then.

Today is a weird day for me.  It is the quiet before an impending storm.  I have felt this many times, but I usually swallowed it down along with the first sweet/salty snack I could grab.  Today, the chips taste bitter in my mouth.  So, here I sit on the couch, writing.  It is the only constructive thing I feel like doing at the moment.  I know that should be studying this German Rosetta Stone I checked out from the post library.  I wish I felt like opening it.  I suppose that might be a bit too productive on this melancholy day. 

It didn’t help that dh is not happy with me right now.  I’ve listened to Dr. Laura, so I know the advice that she’d give in these circumstances.  I can imagine getting a lecture about how selfishly I’m behaving, that I should do all I can to make dh happy, because I am so blessed to be at home, right now.  Add the fact that he’s in the military, and the guilt is compounded.  I will tell you that it is not just the military member serving-the entire family is “in the military.”  We are all affected, even if the member is not deployed.  Sometimes, deployment is easier-the time away is precious.  I cannot imagine the year+ deployments, though.  What rational person can believe that the family does not undergo devastating side-effects?  I guess it wouldn’t be too patriotic to point out what often does happen during these rotations…

Today, dh is here, but I wish he’d just deploy, right now-so does he… Great, a consensus!  It doesn’t matter, it just won’t happen anytime soon.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel differently.  Maybe I’ll relish the blessings of being together and healthy and safe…Not today.

Today, I cannot find my cell phone, though, I am not worried.  No one calls me on it, except for dh, and he won’t be calling me today.  Yesterday, I was insensitive to his feelings, and I refused to sacrifice one more piece of me.  I gave away my best to the children, because they are small, innocent, and mine. 

Today, it is so quiet, and I am breaking someone’s rule, possibly my own…Revealing too much, but I am through expanding with bitterness.  It’s better to let a little “hot air” out, than to burst under the pressure.  I wish I had my phone to call one of the counselors that volunteer on base to listen when family members get stressed-out.  I don’t feel too stressed, but I see it the ripple it’s making, as it swims through the deepest parts of me.  So, I talk to myself and to you-whoever you are, that may pause a while to see what’s new.

Today, I can hear my chimes singing through the porch window.  I am reminded by the symbol hanging down it like the shadow of a teardrop: “Renewal.”   I am being renewed through heartache and loneliness.  This time, it doesn’t hurt as bad as it once did.  I am stronger and calmer than the doe-eyed child that stood at that chapel altar.  I am entering my prime, and along with it, the best years of my life.

Today isn’t so bad, after all…

It is 11:30am here, and I have begun to count the hours left before my children return from school. So long, my identity was that of a “homeschool mom.” We had children so young, before I even knew who I was.  A little over a decade later, I am greeted by silence.

I sit in a quiet apartment sipping hot tea, thinking of how this new chapter of life has just begun. I am excited, yet a little uncertain. I cannot see what is going to happen, so in some ways, I am feeling around for another foothold. This morning, the children happily bounded away without looking back-not once. Perhaps their spirits are lighter, because they are now free. They are beginning their lives apart from me-for a little while, anyway… And I will have to make a life apart from them, as well.

This isn’t like summer camp. Camp was only supposed to be a temporary exposure to other children. I saw it as merely an educational exercise, really. “This is how you interact with other children…” No, this was just my response to grandparent’s concerns regarding the much touted need for “socialization.” However, I did not anticipate the compounded effects of this so-called “lesson.” In truth, our children considered camp a portal into another world meant for only them and their little playmates… Rule #1: No parents allowed!  Frankly, it reminded me of the reason I had wanted a tree house as a youngster-a little world of my own, an escape from the probing eyes of parents (that is, until dinner time…).

 As I meditate on this day, and what it really means…I am thankful that we were honest about our homeschooling experience. I am also quite thankful that my husband trusts the direction of our family as it shifts into its new phase. My strength rests in his calm, glimmering eyes-his quiet approval. My joy is renewed in solitude, and theirs is renewed through fellowship with their peers. I am so relieved that there is consensus, in that. I am proud that they carry “good home training” with them, at a time when politeness and self-control can make a child seem unique.

I am grateful for the love that we share, and it comforts me this cool morning. I sigh, while surveying the chores that still need to be done. I am ready to begin, while keeping one eye on the clock. 

Still, I smile.  It is nearly time for their return.

Absorbing the news that Senator Ted Kennedy has daparted… I am watching television, as reporters describe the amazing impact he has had on the lives of ALL Americans.  Not only were his legislative accomplishments expansive, but so was his heart.  Personal accounts have poured in, describing his “love in action,” for he helped all kinds of people. 

What an impact of one life that chose not to give up!

Sen. Ted Kennedy rose out of devastating tragedy and personal failures like a flaming phoenix.  He was given the grace to burn brighter and longer than ever expected.  I am inspired by his example.

Thank you, Senator.

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I stumbled across a great website.  There was a recent account of a small band of young LGBT activists walking 97 miles across Phoenix.  I definitely admired their courage and determination.  It was encouraging to hear the kindness and support that they received from strangers.  I feel so homesick!  It reminded me of marching with the NAACP for a MLK holiday in Phoenix as a youth (story in my archives).  It’s great to have passion for a purpose, and this cause is great.  Human beings should not be denied equal rights. 

The site has great videos, including a link to some past episodes of “In the Life.”  These offer valuable resources in increasing understanding of LGBT issues, as well as biblical arguments AGAINST their condemnation.

www.soulforce.org